Amber Scotchburn's Blog

I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself.

April 15, 2011 at 4:26 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

From now on my postings on this blog will be education related.  I will miss this type of blogging, so I will continue in some way, shape or form.  As I mentioned in one of my last postings, a book seems as though it’s on the horizon!

Thank you to all who have been following and who have been letting me know that they feel I’m an inspiration. Those words have certainly aided me in my journey. In this last entry, I wanted to share more about how I became conscious. This consciousness has led me to the understanding that life is actually pretty simple in that I create my life by my choices. It’s been a freeing journey!

I adore the place I’m in right now. It is a place of knowing that I am the co-creator of my life with the universe. Life creates the facts and I create a story about what is real to me about the facts. The story is how I qualify, justify, and explain what I perceive. My story is my creation. In knowing I have that power, why wouldn’t I create it to be a masterpiece of art?! YOU have that power as well!

My transformational process began with what I have coined my “wake-up episode” on Dec. 16, 2008. It was on this day that I acknowledged to myself and to a team of professionals that I was in an abusive relationship. I didn’t value myself enough to realize that it was unhealthy for me, it took me seeing the abuse turned on my kids that made me own up to that fact. I will articulate what I went through in coming to that realization and then in coining it as my “wake-up episode” that transformed my life. It brought me to the conscious state I’m at now, where I feel happy just because and feel the wealthiest I’ve ever been. Have you had a wake up episode? Has it transformed you? Would you consider yourself happy just because? Do you consider yourself wealthy?

I will admit that there have been times along my journey where I felt unhappy and broken. There are mornings I would awake and for a couple mere precious seconds, I’d forgotten what was happening in my life. And then it would hit me, like a stab to the heart. There were some days it took every ounce of strength I had in me to face the day before me. These were days that I had to carefully select my thoughts just as I selected my clothes. It was a new habit to get into and a very powerful one at that! It’s a power YOU can cultivate too! I knew that if I couldn’t master my thoughts that I was in trouble. It was an amazing distinction to fully get that I was in control of my thoughts and that they weren’t in control of me. Do you control your thoughts? If not, who or what is? Think about how you spend your time: do you take time to cultivate your thoughts?

Having went through that broken state of mind was a good thing. Yes because it taught me that I was in control of my thoughts! Also, it gave me insight into what a mental illness felt like and how that dis ease can be turned around. So important to understand that reality is a perception which we create. So as I stated above, YOU can choose to create your’s into a masterpiece!

At this point, I needed some answers for myself as to why I stayed in such a relationship. Why did someone (me!) who had studied the abuse cycle in school and have the training of a professional, stay? What I learned was that every behaviour has a need associated with it. I was getting something out of the relationship or I wouldn’t have stayed. Wow, this felt at the time like another slap in the face as it would have been a lot easier to put the blame elsewhere. Look at places in your life where you are putting the blame on someone else for something that has gone wrong or is going wrong, figure out what you are got out of it or are getting out of it. Be compassionate with yourself and do it from a place of love. Be human!

Ok so I’ve admitted the fact that I willingly chose an abusive relationship to myself, the world, my children, family and new and old friends. I’ve had the children and I screened and it’s been recommended to go for abuse specific therapy and develop a safety plan around not going back to the relationship. I moved five provinces to fulfill both those requirements. My children and I start abuse specific therapy. I, in the meantime, am reconnecting with my old place of work and living in an unhealthy situation that feels as though it’s the only choice. Notice here I was under the illusion that I had no choice. When you do that you give up power. And if you’re not making your choices than who is? I was not fully conscious of this fact in all facets of my life and in giving up that power, there were days I was barely treading water. However, I was living and learning! Where in your life is someone making choices for you? Do you realize that every choice, even the one not to do nothing, is still a choice?

The intense therapy group my older son and I went to provided this amazing place where we both were able to go “blah” and these other incredibly strong and resilient women and children didn’t judge, blame, or condemn us. We all let each other “be”. This is the first time in a long time that I feel safe enough to just be. This is my first conscious experience of testing out the fact that I could “be” while not caring what others would think of me. Where in your life are you able to “be” without truly caring what others think of you?

Initially in the group, because in some ways I felt superior with all my professional training on the subject of abuse, I noted that I searched for an answer to the questions the therapists asked us and double checked it to see if it was the “right” textbook answer. A sure example that knowledge and/or cleverness can get in the way of just being. Where in life do you block out others or yourself because you know better? Or because instead of listening and hearing, you are searching and reacting?

This group also provided the space to learn from each other’s miss takes. As we all were at different points on our separation path. It was the first time where miss takes were taken as facts of what happened and therefore not to be condemned and personalized but to be learned from. Wouldn’t that be cool if we could all come from a place of such love and compassion that people would feel free to share not only their triumphs but their failures as well so that everybody could learn from them?! I truly hope that somebody learns something from my path!

Over this intense group therapy process, I start to learn the reasons why I stayed. Remember: every behaviour has a meaning. So I wanted to know why I stayed to figure what I needed as then I could figure out how to get it in a healthy way. What behaviours are you engaging in that you know are unhealthy or you suspect might be unhealthy or you have been told that they are unhealthy? Now take a deep breath and start to figure out what you are getting out of engaging in those behaviours. Again, be compassionate with yourself.

Want to know what I figured out?!

-I love to love. I thought my love would overcome anything. I thought that the theory I applied to my professional role, which was that all someone needs is one person in their life to show them unconditional love and they will be able to transform, applied to my personal life as well. I don’t want to say I thought I could change the person, but I want to suggest that I thought it was possible through my love. Important for me to be aware of this as I move through life. While I will continue to be the loving person I am, the love superhero cape has been hung up and only comes out on special occasions . Where in your life could your strength also be your weakness? Remember to find a balance and to remember you are human!

-I was brought up to be “the nice girl”. That meant that you did what you were told, what was expected and what was deemed right and thereby, your voice was not really developed, never mind heard. I rarely spoke my mind in issues related to me. I held my thoughts in, even though it was slowly killing me inside. I was scared of being perceived to not be the nice girl. I was scared of what people would think of that. I also never wanted to upset someone. Being in the relationship dynamic I was in, there was also fear attached to speaking my voice. In the end, everyone got hurt though. I suffered greatly in that I lost who I was. I hurt my partner who knew I wasn’t being genuine and felt as though I never loved or trusted in him or us enough. My children were taught that it was ok to be bullied and not speak up. And in the end, it all ended up going to hell anyway . Where in your life are you not doing something because it might upset someone? In doing that, is it helping anyone? Is it changing the person or the situation?

Once I learned that I had to take responsibility for not defending myself, I engaged in the “what if” game. I’ve since realized that the “what if” game is not conducive to things that are in your past or your future, because all you have is now. Where in your life do you play the “what if” game? Next time you find yourself saying that, remember to be conscious of where you are at!

-I wanted to be with the father of my children. I didn’t want to be labelled “one of them”–be that a divorce, single mom or abused woman statistic. Oops, admitting that I had judgements about other’s which really meant that I had those judgements about myself. Where in your life do you not consider an option or even see an option because of labelling and judgements?

-I didn’t want my children to have another mother. I will admit that this still gives me pause but I breathe through it. I have no control over this even if I did stay in that relationship. And, I’ve been very lucky in my life to have “other Mom’s” so really how hypocritical am I being?! Somebody may need to remind me of this though when that time comes for my children! See, even someone as far along on their journey as I am ( ) still has their moments! Where are you trying to control things that you cannot? Once you realize this you essentially have three choices: change it, accept it or leave it.

-As my immediate family was not the intact family unit that I had growing up, I wanted to provide an intact family unit to my kids. Here I was allowing my past to dictate my present and my future. Do you do this anywhere in your life?

-I embraced the it’s “us” (my partner and I) versus “the world” mentality. I felt like we were on a team and therefore I had to defend my team and stay true to this! First off I realize that mentality is unhealthy in and of itself. Why do we have to pit people against one another in an “us” versus “them” way? It’s bound to lead to unhealthy choices. And, furthermore, I got lost in the team. So how true of  team was it?! Where might competitive type thoughts dictate your actions and make your choices for you? Are you on any teams where you feel swallowed up by them as opposed to part of them?

-And, drum roll please, I was only human. I did the best I could at that moment in time. No more. No less. When putting it that simplistically, it gave me great peace. Any places in your life where you try to be sub-human?! Maybe give it a break and see how that works for you!

-And the most important thing I started to understand for myself was that I wasn’t defined by this. It was a part of my past which brought me to my today and that was it. I could let go of the guilt of not feeling as though I had enough love to heal my partner. I could let go of the guilt of not giving my children the storybook perfect life. I could be a statistic three times over and still be proud and happy! I could want love and family and seek healthy ways to find them. I could speak and be valued. I could start fresh from that realization moment forward and just be me

Oh darn, I had to then figure out who this “me” was?! I had buried me for so long that I couldn’t answer what my favourite colour was or what type of movie genre I liked most. I had run away from my reality so much that I was caught in the trap of the “what I had and what I could have had and what I want to have”.  First step, I had to start being present in the moments I was in and start realizing how I reacted to certain things. For example, to determine what might be a favourite colour of mine: I had to be conscious of colours around me and how I reacted to them. Very basic and exactly the right spot for me to start at. If you want to start being more conscious, start here! Do you notice certain smells that capture your attention? Do you notice certain beats of music get your feet moving? Are you able to be present in even the most tense of moments and ground yourself by wiggling your toes?!

Have you ever noticed, the more you get to know a person, the more attractive they become to you?! Because everything beautiful you see on the inside of them, radiates through to the outside of them?! I’m slowly getting to that point with me. Two steps forward, one step back I like to say! If you have body image life skills exercises, send them my way please and thank you!

My then partner mirrored for me what I truly at the core thought about myself. They say that our greatest teachers are often the people who hurt us the most. I didn’t have much self-love. I was insecure. I had fears around being who I was. But the saddest part for me was that I had no idea of that. I walked around for thirty odd years thinking everything was okay!

And yet, in retrospect it was. That was my path as this is now my path. It’s never too late or too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit…start whenever you want…you can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of anything and everything that happens to us. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again….I did . The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are!

I also hope you speak up. Don’t ever be scared to say what’s on your mind. There has to be an outlet somewhere. Don’t keep it inside because sooner or later it’s going to come out and it might be in an unhealthy way. Also, it saves you a lot of time as you don’t have to have those conversations in your head where you play out what the other person is going to say and then you respond and have a whole conversation with that person but in your head! Admit it, we’ve all done it!!! One of the neatest things I’ve learned is that it takes much less energy to have the conversation with the person then it does to have it with the person in my head and then actually with them in person too! Also, in my new-found wisdom, not everyone has to like me. I mean why wouldn’t you, but you don’t have to!!! Do you ever have conversations in your head with the person you want to speak to about something? Do you think those thoughts put undue expectations on yourself or the other person?

I grieved the relationship too which not a lot of people understood. This took time and patience with myself because there were days that I didn’t understand my grief either. This is a perfect example of when “just being” again comes in quite handy. So I would sit in the grief and let the tears wash over me. I cried for the person who felt her love was not enough, the person that felt they didn’t have a voice, the person who at times had wanted to cry but instead put a happy face on for the sake of appearances, and the person that actually had some anger in them but never knew how to express it. My advice here: cucumbers work great in these situations!! And, feel. Be in the moment you are in and feel it! Don’t sit it in for too long as you don’t want to get pruney but certainly take the time to process it!

And on the other side of the coin, I had people suggesting that staying in the relationship would have been the right thing to do. How could I fault these people when I had those same thoughts for years?! I learned for myself that letting go is something I had to do when even though I still felt love, I just don’t believe in him or us anymore. Sometimes you have to let go. You will know when it’s right for you.

Then, I had to deal with the “I’m single” label! Interesting as all of a sudden, couples don’t invite me to do stuff. I was put in the “singles” category.  Even though my partner didn’t attend functions with me up to that point, it was still okay to invite me as I was in a couple relationship???!!! So I had to reframe this for myself. Instead of “I’m single”, as that sounded like I was disappointed with myself and like I was suggesting that I was alone and/or I didn’t have anybody to love, I changed it to “I’m free”. “I’m free” captured more of the essence of how I felt. Where have you freed yourself?!

I also had to learn to be alone without being lonely. And if you want to see how that all turned out for me, you have to scroll back into my relationship posting

Fast forward to now after many more “aha” moments that have brought me to this moment! When I look in the mirror, I see a girl who’s been through so much and yet, she still finds a way to smile at the past. She still loves with all her heart! And when you see her walking, I can guarantee you she’ll have her head up high. She is still learning to love herself in the same way she loves others and in the way others love her. My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style! What’s your personal mission?

I believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the end, we don’t. Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance, and the peace that comes from knowing that you just can’t know it all. You know, life’s funny that way. Once you let go of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all, as well as the control and the being all-knowing, you might end up right where you belong! Remember every new beginning is some beginning’s end. Welcome to wherever you are! This is your life; you’ve made it this far.

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark.  Do not let the hero in your soul perish and leave only frustration for the life you deserved, but never have been able to reach. The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours…

Good night! Good morning! Thanks for stopping by!